Gravity Hills
Lyrics | Song Meanings | Album Credits
Gravity Hills" meaning
"Moon Flower" meaning
Album Credits
Hurt
Alone
Death of Me
Voids
Paralyzed
Unanswered
The Call
Still
Torment
Leave This World
Never Know
Click here to listen to "Moon Flower"
"Gravity Hills" Meaning:
A gravity hill is a place where the layout of the surrounding land produces an optical illusion, making a slight downhill slope appear to be an uphill slope. Thus, a car left out of gear will appear to be rolling uphill against gravity. There are hundreds of recognized gravity hills around the world.
The most important factor contributing to the illusion is a completely or mostly obstructed horizon. Without a horizon, it becomes difficult to judge the slope of a surface as a reliable reference is missing. Objects which one would normally assume to be more or less perpendicular to the ground, such as trees, may actually be leaning, offsetting the visual reference.
While something may feel a certain way (like a car left out of gear seemingly rolling uphill); it may not represent reality.
Things aren't always as they seem.
Appearances can be deceptive or untrue.
The most important factor contributing to the illusion is a completely or mostly obstructed horizon. Without a horizon, it becomes difficult to judge the slope of a surface as a reliable reference is missing. Objects which one would normally assume to be more or less perpendicular to the ground, such as trees, may actually be leaning, offsetting the visual reference.
While something may feel a certain way (like a car left out of gear seemingly rolling uphill); it may not represent reality.
Things aren't always as they seem.
Appearances can be deceptive or untrue.
"Moon Flower" Meaning:
The title of the album is based on the quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt — 'A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.'
The moonflower only blossoms at night and is pollinated by creatures of the night, such as moths and bats. It's a symbol for the growth potential of our soul and personality when we're faced with challenging and difficult times in our lives.
The moonflower only blossoms at night and is pollinated by creatures of the night, such as moths and bats. It's a symbol for the growth potential of our soul and personality when we're faced with challenging and difficult times in our lives.
Hurt
It's a slow death
Beginning the end
Begging for change
The change you need isn't currency
But this you can't currently see, no
I saw you through the window
To my side there stands a widow
What does she do now that he's gone
Outside of you
There's an ocean
It's tossing you
Turning you
Tearing you apart
Oh it's okay to hurt
Inside of you
There's a calm
And it's pushing you
Pulling you
He knows just who you are
Oh it's okay to hurt
City street life
Comes to an end
Too commonly
We point, we laugh
But never could know
The pain inside
You'd rather die, no
I saw you on the corner
To my side I see the coroner
What will they do now that he's gone
Meaning:
The basis of this song comes from my time spent at a previous job where I drove throughout Washington, DC on a daily basis. I saw a lot of pain and struggles through the windows of that box truck.
“It’s a slow death - beginning the end” reflects on the long list of poor decisions that eventually cause someone to end up homeless and strung out; panhandling for their next fix or drink. Nobody sets out to end up like this. It’s through a long series of small choices that lead to a major change over time.
”Begging for change - the change you need isn’t currency - but this you can’t currently see” is something from a personal level. While I was not panhandling in the streets, I would manipulate and lie to get more money. Being in active addiction, I always felt that if I had more money and/or the right quality/quantity of drugs, I would be satisfied. Being so mentally ill, I couldn’t fathom that the real change I needed was most certainly not in the form of currency.
“I saw you through the window - To my side there stands a widow - What does she do now that he's gone” describes how on one side of the street I could look out and see the addict, and on the other side of the street see someone going through a pain that’s very different, yet still hurts immensely. A woman who has lost the one she loves and has no clue how to continue on. The hardships of losing a loved one, grief, loneliness, financial burdens etc.
“Outside of you - There's an ocean - It's tossing you - Turning you - Tearing you apart - it’s ok to hurt”. Life can feel like it’s ripping me apart from all angles sometimes, feeling as if I’m stranded in the ocean during a storm. Waves tossing, turning, and dragging me under. It’s in these times where I need to remember that it’s ok to feel the pain of these situations. It's not bad things happening to me; its life happening. It’s not common to be taught how to deal with emotions in a healthy manner. In today’s world it seems that we’re supposed to be happy all the time. Social media plays a huge role in this belief. We see our friends, family, and favorite celebrities posting the highlights. We start to compare our whole life to other people's highlight reel. But how is their life when the camera isn't around? Society has led us to believe that we can find fulfillment in consumerism and materialism. “If I have this I’ll be happy.” “If I could afford that I’d feel better.” Many, like myself, have turn to drugs/alcohol, numbing the negative emotions, not having to face them. It doesn’t work. Trust me.
“Inside of you - There's a calm - And it's pushing you - Pulling you - He knows just who you are - it's okay to hurt”. The only real solution is the love of Jesus Christ. I believe we all have a God sized hole that nothing else will fill. It’s calming, peaceful and composed. He’s there pushing & pulling at me reminding me He’s there if I choose to acknowledge Him. He knows exactly who I am and what I’m going through.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
“City street life - Comes to an end - Too commonly”. People are dying in the streets on a daily basis, never knowing there’s a way out and another way to live.
“We point, we laugh - But never could know - The pain inside - You'd rather die”. Society’s common attitude towards the homeless is “what a loser… just get a job.” I’ve been guilty of judging people in these situations without having a clue of what they’re actually going through. It wasn’t until I ended up homeless and strung out on drugs that I understood the pain, the struggle, the self hatred, and the wish for death upon myself.
“I saw you on the corner” refers to the prostitute that gets judged for her “lifestyle" who is in fact a victim of sex trafficking. Scared for her life and the safety of her family, she continues to hopelessly obey her traffickers.
“To my side I see the coroner - What will they do now that he's gone”. Again, directly across the street, the body of a man gunned down as a result of gang violence he had nothing to do with. He leaves behind a wife and children who now have to manage to live without him.
Life is filled with pain. Some deal with more than others.
It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to go through pain and struggles. It’s ok to reach out and ask for help.
We need to Break The Stigma.
Beginning the end
Begging for change
The change you need isn't currency
But this you can't currently see, no
I saw you through the window
To my side there stands a widow
What does she do now that he's gone
Outside of you
There's an ocean
It's tossing you
Turning you
Tearing you apart
Oh it's okay to hurt
Inside of you
There's a calm
And it's pushing you
Pulling you
He knows just who you are
Oh it's okay to hurt
City street life
Comes to an end
Too commonly
We point, we laugh
But never could know
The pain inside
You'd rather die, no
I saw you on the corner
To my side I see the coroner
What will they do now that he's gone
Meaning:
The basis of this song comes from my time spent at a previous job where I drove throughout Washington, DC on a daily basis. I saw a lot of pain and struggles through the windows of that box truck.
“It’s a slow death - beginning the end” reflects on the long list of poor decisions that eventually cause someone to end up homeless and strung out; panhandling for their next fix or drink. Nobody sets out to end up like this. It’s through a long series of small choices that lead to a major change over time.
”Begging for change - the change you need isn’t currency - but this you can’t currently see” is something from a personal level. While I was not panhandling in the streets, I would manipulate and lie to get more money. Being in active addiction, I always felt that if I had more money and/or the right quality/quantity of drugs, I would be satisfied. Being so mentally ill, I couldn’t fathom that the real change I needed was most certainly not in the form of currency.
“I saw you through the window - To my side there stands a widow - What does she do now that he's gone” describes how on one side of the street I could look out and see the addict, and on the other side of the street see someone going through a pain that’s very different, yet still hurts immensely. A woman who has lost the one she loves and has no clue how to continue on. The hardships of losing a loved one, grief, loneliness, financial burdens etc.
“Outside of you - There's an ocean - It's tossing you - Turning you - Tearing you apart - it’s ok to hurt”. Life can feel like it’s ripping me apart from all angles sometimes, feeling as if I’m stranded in the ocean during a storm. Waves tossing, turning, and dragging me under. It’s in these times where I need to remember that it’s ok to feel the pain of these situations. It's not bad things happening to me; its life happening. It’s not common to be taught how to deal with emotions in a healthy manner. In today’s world it seems that we’re supposed to be happy all the time. Social media plays a huge role in this belief. We see our friends, family, and favorite celebrities posting the highlights. We start to compare our whole life to other people's highlight reel. But how is their life when the camera isn't around? Society has led us to believe that we can find fulfillment in consumerism and materialism. “If I have this I’ll be happy.” “If I could afford that I’d feel better.” Many, like myself, have turn to drugs/alcohol, numbing the negative emotions, not having to face them. It doesn’t work. Trust me.
“Inside of you - There's a calm - And it's pushing you - Pulling you - He knows just who you are - it's okay to hurt”. The only real solution is the love of Jesus Christ. I believe we all have a God sized hole that nothing else will fill. It’s calming, peaceful and composed. He’s there pushing & pulling at me reminding me He’s there if I choose to acknowledge Him. He knows exactly who I am and what I’m going through.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
“City street life - Comes to an end - Too commonly”. People are dying in the streets on a daily basis, never knowing there’s a way out and another way to live.
“We point, we laugh - But never could know - The pain inside - You'd rather die”. Society’s common attitude towards the homeless is “what a loser… just get a job.” I’ve been guilty of judging people in these situations without having a clue of what they’re actually going through. It wasn’t until I ended up homeless and strung out on drugs that I understood the pain, the struggle, the self hatred, and the wish for death upon myself.
“I saw you on the corner” refers to the prostitute that gets judged for her “lifestyle" who is in fact a victim of sex trafficking. Scared for her life and the safety of her family, she continues to hopelessly obey her traffickers.
“To my side I see the coroner - What will they do now that he's gone”. Again, directly across the street, the body of a man gunned down as a result of gang violence he had nothing to do with. He leaves behind a wife and children who now have to manage to live without him.
Life is filled with pain. Some deal with more than others.
It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to go through pain and struggles. It’s ok to reach out and ask for help.
We need to Break The Stigma.
Alone (ft. J.R. Bareis)
I'm waking up
I'm pushing on
The weight of the world won't own me
I'm feeling lost
But I've overcome
The pain that I thought would kill me
Well I've become freely
Attached to the pain
The scars that you left
Won't be taken in vein
The rest of me is stronger now
And now I know
It's because of you
You lift me up
I let you down
You hold me close
I push you out
I'm afraid of feeling nothing
I'm better off alone
You're ending up
Just like the world
Bitter; you're cold dark and lonely
I'd wake you up
But you love it there
Your prison is comfort; unaware
Well I've become freely detached from the pain
These worthless encounters
Are taken in vein
The rest of me is stronger now
And now I know
Because I walked away
The sun will rise in due time
I'll hold you through the night
I'll always be here
Never give up
Meaning:
“Alone” is about walking away from any type of toxic relationship. There’s the fear of making the wrong decision and ending up alone. Alone isn’t always a bad thing. We can learn from relationships and move on with our lives, not sticking around and being brought down by negative/toxic behaviors. While we can always be there for somebody, we don’t have to be there WITH them.
There’s a saying “Who and what we surround ourselves with is who and what we become”.
Who are you surrounding yourself with?
*I originally had my own chorus on this song but I was just not satisfied with it. I decided to reach out to J.R. on Instagram to see if he'd be interested in writing and singing the chorus. Working with J.R. was super cool as I'm a huge fan of Love & Death (the band started by Brain "Head" Welch from KoRn). A few hours after I reached out to him he had written and recorded his parts. I planned on waiting at least a few days. Thanks COVID haha
I'm pushing on
The weight of the world won't own me
I'm feeling lost
But I've overcome
The pain that I thought would kill me
Well I've become freely
Attached to the pain
The scars that you left
Won't be taken in vein
The rest of me is stronger now
And now I know
It's because of you
You lift me up
I let you down
You hold me close
I push you out
I'm afraid of feeling nothing
I'm better off alone
You're ending up
Just like the world
Bitter; you're cold dark and lonely
I'd wake you up
But you love it there
Your prison is comfort; unaware
Well I've become freely detached from the pain
These worthless encounters
Are taken in vein
The rest of me is stronger now
And now I know
Because I walked away
The sun will rise in due time
I'll hold you through the night
I'll always be here
Never give up
Meaning:
“Alone” is about walking away from any type of toxic relationship. There’s the fear of making the wrong decision and ending up alone. Alone isn’t always a bad thing. We can learn from relationships and move on with our lives, not sticking around and being brought down by negative/toxic behaviors. While we can always be there for somebody, we don’t have to be there WITH them.
There’s a saying “Who and what we surround ourselves with is who and what we become”.
Who are you surrounding yourself with?
*I originally had my own chorus on this song but I was just not satisfied with it. I decided to reach out to J.R. on Instagram to see if he'd be interested in writing and singing the chorus. Working with J.R. was super cool as I'm a huge fan of Love & Death (the band started by Brain "Head" Welch from KoRn). A few hours after I reached out to him he had written and recorded his parts. I planned on waiting at least a few days. Thanks COVID haha
Death of Me
Goodbye sunlight
After dusk we live to die
Hello moonlight
Tonight's the night we risk it all
Who's on my side
I blindly lead the blind
Too close to touch
I'll leave you left behind
Wait
There's nothing left I fear
This love will be the death of me
It's more than I can take
It gets harder every day
Hold on so tight
Come the dawn we'll see the sun
So long dark light
Come to life and start a war
Who's on your side
Lead the feeble mind
Too far to hear
Open eyes can't feed the blind
Wait
There's nothing left I fear
This love will be the death of me
It's more than I can take
It gets harder every day
Say
There's nothing left to feel
Your love is now the enemy
It's more than I can take
There's nothing left to save
There's nothing left that's real
I'm finally out of words to speak
I'm everything that's wrong
There's nothing more to feel
I'm running out of life to bleed
I'm everything I hate
Meaning:
“Death of Me” is written from the viewpoint of someone who has been looked up to, idolized, and followed. Someone “in love” with money, sex, drugs etc. They blindly lead people in the direction they're going, not realizing it’s devastating effects. When this person realizes they’re wrong, they start to stand for what’s right. Their previous “followers” now turn on them and call them crazy. “Open eyes can't feed the blind” - just because this person now knows the truth and what’s right, doesn’t mean their blind followers will also see the same. The damage has been done.
*Somehow I managed to write and record this song in one day.
After dusk we live to die
Hello moonlight
Tonight's the night we risk it all
Who's on my side
I blindly lead the blind
Too close to touch
I'll leave you left behind
Wait
There's nothing left I fear
This love will be the death of me
It's more than I can take
It gets harder every day
Hold on so tight
Come the dawn we'll see the sun
So long dark light
Come to life and start a war
Who's on your side
Lead the feeble mind
Too far to hear
Open eyes can't feed the blind
Wait
There's nothing left I fear
This love will be the death of me
It's more than I can take
It gets harder every day
Say
There's nothing left to feel
Your love is now the enemy
It's more than I can take
There's nothing left to save
There's nothing left that's real
I'm finally out of words to speak
I'm everything that's wrong
There's nothing more to feel
I'm running out of life to bleed
I'm everything I hate
Meaning:
“Death of Me” is written from the viewpoint of someone who has been looked up to, idolized, and followed. Someone “in love” with money, sex, drugs etc. They blindly lead people in the direction they're going, not realizing it’s devastating effects. When this person realizes they’re wrong, they start to stand for what’s right. Their previous “followers” now turn on them and call them crazy. “Open eyes can't feed the blind” - just because this person now knows the truth and what’s right, doesn’t mean their blind followers will also see the same. The damage has been done.
*Somehow I managed to write and record this song in one day.
Voids (ft. David Brenton)
I was drowning in addictions
Lost all my ambitions
A dwindling flame of life
I lost control
My hatred for you grew stronger
The blame I placed in Your hands, Father
I lost my life to the ways of the world
I lost my soul
All my life I’ve been filling voids
With everything except for you
It’s by the power of Your great love
That took my life and made me new
I’m no longer a slave to myself
Or to this world
I’ve been set free
I owe it all to you
I owe my life to you
Forgive me
Your name I couldn’t stand it
Your grace, I took for granted
There I laid cold and blue
I never knew you
You pulled me from death’s shadows
Turned valleys into meadows
I called to you
You called me your own
I found my home
Meaning:
I feel like “Voids” is pretty self explanatory. I spent so much time filling this “void” in me with everything except for the only One that can fill it.
The first verse is about how when my life was spiraling out of control, I began to hate and resent God more and more. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life.
The second verse is the realization that I was completely wrong. I thought that because I grew up attending church, I knew God. I didn’t. I never had a personal relationship with Him. I claimed Christianity and that was it. I ended up going my own way and learned first hand the consequences. I was tired of the “rules” and sinning was fun. I didn’t realize God was only trying to protect me. There’s some things I still don’t understand but I trust God regardless. I don’t need to know. (My dog doesn’t understand why he can't eat a box of chocolates. It’s dangerous and could be deadly.)
Even after everything I’ve done, I came to God and He lovingly took me in. He gave me another chance and a new life.
Matthew 11:28 - “Come to me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
*This was the first song written for the album in 2017, before I even knew I was going to do a full length. As tired as I am of hearing this song, I really like how the lyrics turned out.
*Dave's guitar solo was recorded in one take. (Not the first take, but it's still impressive to not have any punch-ins on a solo.)
Lost all my ambitions
A dwindling flame of life
I lost control
My hatred for you grew stronger
The blame I placed in Your hands, Father
I lost my life to the ways of the world
I lost my soul
All my life I’ve been filling voids
With everything except for you
It’s by the power of Your great love
That took my life and made me new
I’m no longer a slave to myself
Or to this world
I’ve been set free
I owe it all to you
I owe my life to you
Forgive me
Your name I couldn’t stand it
Your grace, I took for granted
There I laid cold and blue
I never knew you
You pulled me from death’s shadows
Turned valleys into meadows
I called to you
You called me your own
I found my home
Meaning:
I feel like “Voids” is pretty self explanatory. I spent so much time filling this “void” in me with everything except for the only One that can fill it.
The first verse is about how when my life was spiraling out of control, I began to hate and resent God more and more. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life.
The second verse is the realization that I was completely wrong. I thought that because I grew up attending church, I knew God. I didn’t. I never had a personal relationship with Him. I claimed Christianity and that was it. I ended up going my own way and learned first hand the consequences. I was tired of the “rules” and sinning was fun. I didn’t realize God was only trying to protect me. There’s some things I still don’t understand but I trust God regardless. I don’t need to know. (My dog doesn’t understand why he can't eat a box of chocolates. It’s dangerous and could be deadly.)
Even after everything I’ve done, I came to God and He lovingly took me in. He gave me another chance and a new life.
Matthew 11:28 - “Come to me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
*This was the first song written for the album in 2017, before I even knew I was going to do a full length. As tired as I am of hearing this song, I really like how the lyrics turned out.
*Dave's guitar solo was recorded in one take. (Not the first take, but it's still impressive to not have any punch-ins on a solo.)
Paralyzed (ft. Terry Butler)
Remember when
I didn't know you
And I didn't owe you
The start of the end
The start of fade away
How can this be happening
I watch myself get thrown away
Remember when
I could still love me
Before you controlled me
Now I hate myself
The start to hang myself
How could this be happening
And now I see that I'm
Paralyzed
Terrorized
How can I forget that I'm not
Good enough
I'll never be
How can I distract myself from me
Remember when
I had a vision
I had no conviction
The start of demise
The start of breaking in
How can I still look in mirrors
Wishing that I'd disappear
Remember when
I felt so alive
With the mind of a dreamer
Now I hate myself
The start to hang myself
How could this be happening
And now I see that I'm
I've lost myself inside
The fears that took over me
I'm caught in these chains
And I can't seem to break them free
I can't relive my past
And I needed you all to see
The end of this book
It will only be penned by me
Meaning:
This song is describing what it’s like to feel paralyzed by sin. It keeps me coming back for more then tells me I’ll never be good enough.
*It was cool getting T-BO on this song since we've known each other so long and have been in bands/the local music scene together. (I was 16 when we met and started playing together)
I didn't know you
And I didn't owe you
The start of the end
The start of fade away
How can this be happening
I watch myself get thrown away
Remember when
I could still love me
Before you controlled me
Now I hate myself
The start to hang myself
How could this be happening
And now I see that I'm
Paralyzed
Terrorized
How can I forget that I'm not
Good enough
I'll never be
How can I distract myself from me
Remember when
I had a vision
I had no conviction
The start of demise
The start of breaking in
How can I still look in mirrors
Wishing that I'd disappear
Remember when
I felt so alive
With the mind of a dreamer
Now I hate myself
The start to hang myself
How could this be happening
And now I see that I'm
I've lost myself inside
The fears that took over me
I'm caught in these chains
And I can't seem to break them free
I can't relive my past
And I needed you all to see
The end of this book
It will only be penned by me
Meaning:
This song is describing what it’s like to feel paralyzed by sin. It keeps me coming back for more then tells me I’ll never be good enough.
*It was cool getting T-BO on this song since we've known each other so long and have been in bands/the local music scene together. (I was 16 when we met and started playing together)
Unanswered
I'm counting stars
Counting days
Could have sworn I heard your voice
With a flash of light
I took a breath and held it in
Why did you leave me here on my own
I miss you so and now I miss you more
I tremble at the thought
Of how you left me
Why did you leave me all alone
I miss you so and now I miss you more
How do I go on without you here
I needed you to stay forever
I lose my breath; paralyzed
Could have sworn I saw your face
I wonder how it's changed if it were real
I'll never know
Why would you leave me here all alone
I'm losing it
Come back to me
I'll never know what could be
You were taken away from me
Ever since you left
I feel trapped in emotion
I died inside
How do I feel alive
It's what I feel inside
Meaning:
This was a tough one to write. It’s based on two events that happened to two people who are close to me. Both lost their fiancé, the love of their life, way too soon in tragic accidents.
I can only imagine the pain, the agony, the disbelief, the anger, and all of the questions that will forever go unanswered. While writing the lyrics, I tried to mentally place myself in their situations. It literally brought me to tears.
To sum up a few possibly confusing lines,
“With a flash of light - I took a breath and held it in”.
Something as slight as the flash from a camera can bring back memories causing one to hold their breath as flashback occurs.
“I miss you so and now I miss you more” refers to how just the thought of missing a loved one can cause a deeper hollowness than just simply “missing” them.
“I lose my breath; paralyzed - Could have sworn I saw your face”. It’s common for anyone who has lost a loved one to occasionally be reminded of vivid memories that are seemingly visible. Or other situations where a stranger or acquaintance briefly resembles them. Our desire to have the loved one back with us causes an ‘unconscious conclusion’ where your mind catches a glimpse of something or someone and tries to interpret the incomplete information, relying on stored visual memories and past experience to estimate what you saw. The cognitive, thinking part of your brain is not involved, which is why seeing the impossible is possible.
These two families will remain in my prayers.
Counting days
Could have sworn I heard your voice
With a flash of light
I took a breath and held it in
Why did you leave me here on my own
I miss you so and now I miss you more
I tremble at the thought
Of how you left me
Why did you leave me all alone
I miss you so and now I miss you more
How do I go on without you here
I needed you to stay forever
I lose my breath; paralyzed
Could have sworn I saw your face
I wonder how it's changed if it were real
I'll never know
Why would you leave me here all alone
I'm losing it
Come back to me
I'll never know what could be
You were taken away from me
Ever since you left
I feel trapped in emotion
I died inside
How do I feel alive
It's what I feel inside
Meaning:
This was a tough one to write. It’s based on two events that happened to two people who are close to me. Both lost their fiancé, the love of their life, way too soon in tragic accidents.
I can only imagine the pain, the agony, the disbelief, the anger, and all of the questions that will forever go unanswered. While writing the lyrics, I tried to mentally place myself in their situations. It literally brought me to tears.
To sum up a few possibly confusing lines,
“With a flash of light - I took a breath and held it in”.
Something as slight as the flash from a camera can bring back memories causing one to hold their breath as flashback occurs.
“I miss you so and now I miss you more” refers to how just the thought of missing a loved one can cause a deeper hollowness than just simply “missing” them.
“I lose my breath; paralyzed - Could have sworn I saw your face”. It’s common for anyone who has lost a loved one to occasionally be reminded of vivid memories that are seemingly visible. Or other situations where a stranger or acquaintance briefly resembles them. Our desire to have the loved one back with us causes an ‘unconscious conclusion’ where your mind catches a glimpse of something or someone and tries to interpret the incomplete information, relying on stored visual memories and past experience to estimate what you saw. The cognitive, thinking part of your brain is not involved, which is why seeing the impossible is possible.
These two families will remain in my prayers.
The Call
I can't identify
Where this is coming from
These thoughts are breaking down
And coming out from somewhere
It's not enough to say
It's self inflicted pain
Though I never feel it comes from me
It's not from me
I just don't know myself
I'm calling out for help
I cannot understand it
A mind that is demented
Placing me to the side
Unwilling suicide
I'll never understand it
A mind that is relentless
I must have lost my mind
So far it seems I'm fine
What am I to do the next time that
I hear the calling
I'll never take that step
I'll never turn the wheel
These thoughts pursue me
From the shadows in the corner of my mind
Don't you believe the lie
I hope you see
This isn't real
Don't you believe the lie
Meaning:
The Call of the Void (in French, L’appel Du Vide) is the feeling when you think for a second about steering into oncoming traffic or jumping off a cliff for no reason.
*I almost titled the album L’appel Du Vide but decided against it so I wouldn’t have to explain pronunciation haha. Pronounced LUH-PELL DEW VEED
Where this is coming from
These thoughts are breaking down
And coming out from somewhere
It's not enough to say
It's self inflicted pain
Though I never feel it comes from me
It's not from me
I just don't know myself
I'm calling out for help
I cannot understand it
A mind that is demented
Placing me to the side
Unwilling suicide
I'll never understand it
A mind that is relentless
I must have lost my mind
So far it seems I'm fine
What am I to do the next time that
I hear the calling
I'll never take that step
I'll never turn the wheel
These thoughts pursue me
From the shadows in the corner of my mind
Don't you believe the lie
I hope you see
This isn't real
Don't you believe the lie
Meaning:
The Call of the Void (in French, L’appel Du Vide) is the feeling when you think for a second about steering into oncoming traffic or jumping off a cliff for no reason.
*I almost titled the album L’appel Du Vide but decided against it so I wouldn’t have to explain pronunciation haha. Pronounced LUH-PELL DEW VEED
Still
I've seen better days
Today won't go my way
But I still love it here
Imposters are surrounding me
But this is where I'm free
And I still love it here
I've seen the worst days
Tomorrow's probably worse
But I still love it here
Take me into your loving arms
I need it today
Hold me so tight I'll suffocate
In your perfect love
Your perfect love
I might be stuck here for awhile
So I'll sit back and smile
'Cause I still love it here
I've been stuck right here
It's been over a year
But I still love it here
I swear I'll be the fireworks
Exploding so bright
Just not right now
I need your spark
Ignite my heart
Meaning:
“Still” is about battling with depression while still remaining grateful for where I am in life. It’s near impossible sometimes, but I try my best in dark times to think with logic rather than emotions. The chorus is asking God to comfort me, even though my faith is sometimes lacking.
Today won't go my way
But I still love it here
Imposters are surrounding me
But this is where I'm free
And I still love it here
I've seen the worst days
Tomorrow's probably worse
But I still love it here
Take me into your loving arms
I need it today
Hold me so tight I'll suffocate
In your perfect love
Your perfect love
I might be stuck here for awhile
So I'll sit back and smile
'Cause I still love it here
I've been stuck right here
It's been over a year
But I still love it here
I swear I'll be the fireworks
Exploding so bright
Just not right now
I need your spark
Ignite my heart
Meaning:
“Still” is about battling with depression while still remaining grateful for where I am in life. It’s near impossible sometimes, but I try my best in dark times to think with logic rather than emotions. The chorus is asking God to comfort me, even though my faith is sometimes lacking.
Torment
Spit on me and kick me when I'm down
Break my bones and watch me suffer
Then find the ones I love
And do it to them
Carelessly I let you pull me in
I'm following the darkness
Turned into the heartless
Fill me up with hate
And unleash me to the world alone
Maybe I'm the one
Tattered and beaten
Lost and defeated
Teach me how to fall
I can't forget the torment that is you
Misery and spite pollute my veins
Burn my flesh and remind me who's to blame
Bury me alive and seek revenge
Carelessly I let you
Cut right through my weakened skin
I'm spineless
Turned into the mindless
Leave me in disgust
And release me to the world alone
Tell me now there's no one left to blame
Lie to me and tell me that I'm sane
Hold me down and relieve me from myself
Show me how to say that I need help
Meaning:
Torment is about making a deal with the devil. That’s essentially what I do every time I willingly give into sin. I know the damage it will bring but do it anyway; usually because it “feels good” in the moment.
“Find the ones I love and do it to them” is the consequences others sometimes deal with as a result of what I’ve done. I may think I'm only hurting myself with decisions I make, but the reality is, it hurts everyone who cares for me.
I’m so thankful for God’s grace and mercy.
Grace - giving me what I don’t deserve (free and unmerited favor).
Mercy - saving me from the things I do deserve (compassion and forgiveness).
*I really like the dark atmosphere that's present in the verses of this song. Not a big fan of the chorus vocals though haha.
Break my bones and watch me suffer
Then find the ones I love
And do it to them
Carelessly I let you pull me in
I'm following the darkness
Turned into the heartless
Fill me up with hate
And unleash me to the world alone
Maybe I'm the one
Tattered and beaten
Lost and defeated
Teach me how to fall
I can't forget the torment that is you
Misery and spite pollute my veins
Burn my flesh and remind me who's to blame
Bury me alive and seek revenge
Carelessly I let you
Cut right through my weakened skin
I'm spineless
Turned into the mindless
Leave me in disgust
And release me to the world alone
Tell me now there's no one left to blame
Lie to me and tell me that I'm sane
Hold me down and relieve me from myself
Show me how to say that I need help
Meaning:
Torment is about making a deal with the devil. That’s essentially what I do every time I willingly give into sin. I know the damage it will bring but do it anyway; usually because it “feels good” in the moment.
“Find the ones I love and do it to them” is the consequences others sometimes deal with as a result of what I’ve done. I may think I'm only hurting myself with decisions I make, but the reality is, it hurts everyone who cares for me.
I’m so thankful for God’s grace and mercy.
Grace - giving me what I don’t deserve (free and unmerited favor).
Mercy - saving me from the things I do deserve (compassion and forgiveness).
*I really like the dark atmosphere that's present in the verses of this song. Not a big fan of the chorus vocals though haha.
Leave This World
I haven't lost a word
In the same excuse I told you
This time I didn't know
I never planned to be
The misery I hated
Shallow in your eyes
But if you never leave me
Then what will I hate
More than your presence
In this room full of mirrors
Shockingly invested in this vacancy
Holding the hand that's been
Pushing me away
Now's the time
To leave this world
I'll hold my own
And fly above the clouds
To keep from looking down
I'll keep my eyes on you
I haven't lost my worth
It's the last thing I'd expect
As you've fallen to your knees
You always seem to be
The devil in me I suppose
My only sacrifice
What if you never free me
Then what will I hate
More than your absence
In this head full of fear
Constantly I've tested
All the things you say
I'm holding the hand that keeps
Pushing me away
Now's the time
To leave this world
I'll hold my own
And fly above the clouds
To keep from looking down
I'll keep my
Hands on your throat
I'm walking towards the ledge again
Bring me back
I destroy my whole world again
Meaning:
“Leave This World” is not about suicide or dying. It’s written from the point of someone who is confused, disoriented, and in a psychotic break - having conversations with God and self - almost simultaneously.
*This song sat unfinished for quite awhile. I couldn't think of a melody for the chorus even after changing the guitar parts around a few times. I ended up reaching out to Jimmy from Others May Fall. We used to be in a band called Fall Away and I though it'd be cool to work together on a song again. Since he doesn't live locally anymore and didn't have access to a studio, I figured I'd give the chorus one last try myself. I rewrote the guitars again and ended up coming up with what's now my favorite chorus melody on the album. I definitely plan on getting Jimmy on a song in the future.
In the same excuse I told you
This time I didn't know
I never planned to be
The misery I hated
Shallow in your eyes
But if you never leave me
Then what will I hate
More than your presence
In this room full of mirrors
Shockingly invested in this vacancy
Holding the hand that's been
Pushing me away
Now's the time
To leave this world
I'll hold my own
And fly above the clouds
To keep from looking down
I'll keep my eyes on you
I haven't lost my worth
It's the last thing I'd expect
As you've fallen to your knees
You always seem to be
The devil in me I suppose
My only sacrifice
What if you never free me
Then what will I hate
More than your absence
In this head full of fear
Constantly I've tested
All the things you say
I'm holding the hand that keeps
Pushing me away
Now's the time
To leave this world
I'll hold my own
And fly above the clouds
To keep from looking down
I'll keep my
Hands on your throat
I'm walking towards the ledge again
Bring me back
I destroy my whole world again
Meaning:
“Leave This World” is not about suicide or dying. It’s written from the point of someone who is confused, disoriented, and in a psychotic break - having conversations with God and self - almost simultaneously.
*This song sat unfinished for quite awhile. I couldn't think of a melody for the chorus even after changing the guitar parts around a few times. I ended up reaching out to Jimmy from Others May Fall. We used to be in a band called Fall Away and I though it'd be cool to work together on a song again. Since he doesn't live locally anymore and didn't have access to a studio, I figured I'd give the chorus one last try myself. I rewrote the guitars again and ended up coming up with what's now my favorite chorus melody on the album. I definitely plan on getting Jimmy on a song in the future.
Never Know (ft. Ryan Forrester & David Brenton)
It's like I'm falling in the water now
I can't find my way back up
I keep swimming towards the underground
I fear the worst is yet to come
I see the light as it begins to fade
And all my dreams they float away
I find the bottom to be very cold
Will I have another day
Is this how I'll go
'Cause I'm barely hanging on
We all have our own devices
Used to take away the pain
Are we alive or only breathing now
Just let me feel again
And stop this wrecking of our lives
Is the strength to face to day
Is it too much for us to take
I guess we'll never know
I have to try and find my way again
So I might breathe another day
And I can't stand the way that I've become
And think my life is all okay
I should've never let it go this far
But I will break the chains right now
If I'm the only one that I can change
Let me see what I'm all about
Is this how I'll go
'Cause I'm barely hanging on
Hold your head up to the sky
And never look away
If we let the sun burn our eyes
We'll feel it wash away
Open our eyes and watch us die
To our life of apathy
And let us know that we don't have to be
The ashes of what could have been
Meaning:
“Never Know” focuses on the dangers of society’s materialism. Rather than saying “we all have our own vices”, I used “devices” to capture the obsession with material possessions. “Things” never lead to contentment. We become a slave to the things we own and the things we think we need to own
*When Ryan showed up to write and record his parts, he was telling me how he was in a foul mood because he fell off a pier with his phone in his pocket. We both laughed and eventually got to work on the song. The first line he wrote was “it’s like I’m falling in the water now” hahahahaha sorry bro!
I can't find my way back up
I keep swimming towards the underground
I fear the worst is yet to come
I see the light as it begins to fade
And all my dreams they float away
I find the bottom to be very cold
Will I have another day
Is this how I'll go
'Cause I'm barely hanging on
We all have our own devices
Used to take away the pain
Are we alive or only breathing now
Just let me feel again
And stop this wrecking of our lives
Is the strength to face to day
Is it too much for us to take
I guess we'll never know
I have to try and find my way again
So I might breathe another day
And I can't stand the way that I've become
And think my life is all okay
I should've never let it go this far
But I will break the chains right now
If I'm the only one that I can change
Let me see what I'm all about
Is this how I'll go
'Cause I'm barely hanging on
Hold your head up to the sky
And never look away
If we let the sun burn our eyes
We'll feel it wash away
Open our eyes and watch us die
To our life of apathy
And let us know that we don't have to be
The ashes of what could have been
Meaning:
“Never Know” focuses on the dangers of society’s materialism. Rather than saying “we all have our own vices”, I used “devices” to capture the obsession with material possessions. “Things” never lead to contentment. We become a slave to the things we own and the things we think we need to own
*When Ryan showed up to write and record his parts, he was telling me how he was in a foul mood because he fell off a pier with his phone in his pocket. We both laughed and eventually got to work on the song. The first line he wrote was “it’s like I’m falling in the water now” hahahahaha sorry bro!
Album Credits & Thank Yous
First and foremost, I'd like to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for the gift of life and loving me unconditionally.
My mom and dad for being the best parents anyone could ask for and for always supporting me.
My brother, Jon, for always having my back.
My amazing, beautiful wife, Jordyn, for being my rock. She is such a blessing to me and my family.
Our dog, Benny for always helping me (sleeping) in the studio.
David Brenton (guitar solos on Voids and Never Know)
Terry "T-BO" Butler (lyrics and vocals on the bridge of Paralyzed)
J.R. Bareis (lyrics and vocals on the choruses of Alone)
Ryan Forrester (lyrics and vocals on the verses of Never Know)
Engin Akyurt (album cover photograph)
Chris Murphy, Ray Campbell, Mark LeHew, Dr. Patrick Brown, Jon Riffe, Scott Christensen, the late Pastor Vic Simpson, DFC Eric Durner, Kenny Smythers, Peggy Lockard, Art Hinojos, B.J. Stockstill, Jordan Shaffer, Ryan Manley, Jesse Wadsworth, Jesse Malloy, Alex Lindner, Tyrone Weems, Kesnel Dorce, Ron Vento, Britain Smith, Jimmy Campbell, Brian Michaels, Mike Leidner, Tom Adams, Cortland Bard, Lisa Swann, Megan Sarikaya, Patti Schleeter, Brian and Birdy Windsor, Eyon Giles, Tyrone Claggett, Paul Becker, Justin Howes, Jesse Butler, Chris Carrico, Frank Colesanti, Rik Ellis, Jacob Sweeny, Tyler McKinney, Alex Holland, Kenny Renke, Stephen Heller, Nate Heller, Stephen Goad, Eric Hughes, Marie Kellam, David McMorris, Steve Epperson, Curtis Millsap, Jon Procopio, Ricky Walker, Zach Ellwood, Gavin Woodard, Joey Fortner.
I'm sure there's some I forgot to mention, but thank you to everyone who has had a positive impact on my life.
My mom and dad for being the best parents anyone could ask for and for always supporting me.
My brother, Jon, for always having my back.
My amazing, beautiful wife, Jordyn, for being my rock. She is such a blessing to me and my family.
Our dog, Benny for always helping me (sleeping) in the studio.
David Brenton (guitar solos on Voids and Never Know)
Terry "T-BO" Butler (lyrics and vocals on the bridge of Paralyzed)
J.R. Bareis (lyrics and vocals on the choruses of Alone)
Ryan Forrester (lyrics and vocals on the verses of Never Know)
Engin Akyurt (album cover photograph)
Chris Murphy, Ray Campbell, Mark LeHew, Dr. Patrick Brown, Jon Riffe, Scott Christensen, the late Pastor Vic Simpson, DFC Eric Durner, Kenny Smythers, Peggy Lockard, Art Hinojos, B.J. Stockstill, Jordan Shaffer, Ryan Manley, Jesse Wadsworth, Jesse Malloy, Alex Lindner, Tyrone Weems, Kesnel Dorce, Ron Vento, Britain Smith, Jimmy Campbell, Brian Michaels, Mike Leidner, Tom Adams, Cortland Bard, Lisa Swann, Megan Sarikaya, Patti Schleeter, Brian and Birdy Windsor, Eyon Giles, Tyrone Claggett, Paul Becker, Justin Howes, Jesse Butler, Chris Carrico, Frank Colesanti, Rik Ellis, Jacob Sweeny, Tyler McKinney, Alex Holland, Kenny Renke, Stephen Heller, Nate Heller, Stephen Goad, Eric Hughes, Marie Kellam, David McMorris, Steve Epperson, Curtis Millsap, Jon Procopio, Ricky Walker, Zach Ellwood, Gavin Woodard, Joey Fortner.
I'm sure there's some I forgot to mention, but thank you to everyone who has had a positive impact on my life.